They Say a Phoenix Rises from the Ashes

When 2024 began, I thought to myself, “This is going to be a great year.”

Spoiler alert: It wasn’t a great year, or at least not yet.

I’ve been pretty quiet on social media, mostly lurking when I need to dissociate from life, and I haven’t talked much about my personal life in newsletters or elsewhere. And that’s because I’ve been processing and healing.

I tend to be a fairly private person (cue me disappearing from social media from time to time when the real world is throwing me curveballs – I swear I’m not ghosting anyone). I learned early in life that I felt bad when people had a hard time with me sharing any of my life trauma, so I tend to keep that stuff close to the vest. And so, when things are truly difficult, I shrink myself into the smallest possible space. Yeah, I know, not the healthiest coping mechanism, but I’m working on that.

The year kicked off with some concerning health stuff for me. I spent the first four months with a half dozen specialists and getting lots of medical tests to make sure I was going to be fine. End Result: I’ll be fine. I still have some lingering health issues, but everything is much, much better than in January and February. I had planned on being on a health journey this year. I just didn’t plan on adding some additional health check-ins to those plans. Because I’m a trauma humor person, I now like to think that all of this year has been my “50,000 mile checkup”. I mean, my car had one, so why not me?

Anyhow, all of that took a toll and also took a lot of time. So, the little energy I had, I used to try to get out books as planned and prepare to attend the signings I so desperately wanted to be at.

But then in March, the unthinkable happened. We had a horrific housefire across the street and we lost our teenage neighbor. I won’t go into detail for the sake of the privacy of the family, but it was awful and terrifying. The things I saw that night will haunt me forever.

Unfortunately, the days following this had smaller, less tragic traumas involving some sick relatives. And after all of that, I really thought I would spend the rest of my spring healing physically and also mentally. But unfortunately, life is not always complacent in our plans. A work colleague had a massive heart attack and while I and others did what we could to try to save his life, he did not make it. This was only twenty-eight days after the fire, and it really set me back.

It wasn’t until June that I finally felt able to breathe a bit and start to process everything as the shock wore off and reality set in. Cue therapy, lots of therapy.

So instead of the plans I had made for the summer and book world (aside from those signings because I was not going to pull out of attending them, come hell or high water), I pulled WAY back and focused on getting better (of course, I got sick in July which fortunately was just a minor inconvenience, but still some added insult to injury).

And I don’t want to diminish the happy moments that occurred. I did have joyful moments too. It was just hard to be present for them amidst everything that had happened.

After getting back on track in August, I’m starting to feel a little better. I feel physically stronger than I did earlier this year, and my mental health is not at the low point it was a few months ago. But it’s slow going.

I know it’ll take time to heal. And no, I’m not a patient person. But I’m doing my best to give myself some grace. I finally started feeling like writing something new again. It’s been many months since I felt this strongly about a story and it gives me immense hope that I’ve summitted the worst of this year and that maybe the downhill trek will be kinder to me than the climb.

Despite all of that, I will say I’ve learned some valuable lessons this year. So, here’s my newly found (or maybe rediscovered) wisdom for whatever it’s worth:

1)        When things truly, truly get hard, unimaginably hard, you WILL discover who is in your real inner circle. And some people may surprise you in both good and bad ways. And you’ll lean on those people who step up to be there for you, and you’ll vent and cry on their shoulders. And they WILL be a light in your darkness.

2)        You can heal your body from many things. Now, the older you get, the harder that is, but aside from major body issues, it IS possible. (And when everyone in that inner circle above is voicing concerns for your health, you should take that as a sign to go see a doctor – that includes a therapist.)

3)        Some days are just going to be too much. And that’s OK. You can try again tomorrow.

4)        Life is fleeting and as far as I know we only get one. Don’t stop doing the things you love with the people who mean the most to you. Because you’ll find your strength and resolve in those moments.

5)        The only true way to fail is to stop trying. As long as you keep trying, you’ll never fail, you’ll just find lots of ways that aren’t going to work and while that’s slow progress, it’s definitely NOT failing.

I’m not sure I have anymore gleaned wisdom yet, but maybe I’ll learn more as I move forward in this journey. I feel like I’ve re-written this fifty times and not posted it because sharing it seems daunting and also makes the tragedies I experienced seem even more real, which is hard to accept, even now many months later. But I also know how important it’s been for me to read others’ stories when they have the bravery to post them, so someday soon when I’m feeling particularly strong I’ll rip off that bandage and post this. I guess if you’re reading this, that day was today.